Book: Chuck Palahniuk’s ‘Invisible Monsters’ – “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known”

I have only read the original version of ‘Invisible Monsters’, I haven’t read the 2012 released version (‘Invisible Monsters Remix‘) despite a mild interest. This is probably because I am concerned that there might be more vivid descriptions of cosmetic surgery specific to a below the waist region.

Stable named narrators are overrated in Chuck’s worlds, so instead we have a former-model who is disfigured and has multiple names given to her by Brandy Alexander who is has a personality to rival a force of nature.

Invisible Monsters Palahniuk

I can’t describe this book without spoilers, everything is a potential spoiler. What I will say is that it is useful to be non-squeamish and open-minded to the concept of family outside of the nuclear definition.

It’s one of the bitchiest things that I’ve read, it’s funny, scary and downright weird. I can’t work out if I love or hate it, but it is completely unforgettable.

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Food: Mövenpick Ice Cream Ice cream – Hidden Nestlé

First things first, I was given a free sample of this ice cream and ate it all up! I am normally a Ben & Jerry’s Pish Food girl, however I am open minded – in particular when I don’t have to pay for it!

I hadn’t realised that Mövenpick was part of the Nestlé corporation. I am not boycotting them but I always feel slightly guilty that I’m not; I remember meeting some children on a holiday in France who were gutted that they couldn’t eat chocolate whilst on holiday as everything was Nestlé! Then my university decided to (very belatedly given the boycott started in 1977 ish) join the boycott whilst I was attending, which was a pain as I eat Smarties in exams so had to walk into town to purchase my fix.

movenpick ice cream

I don’t know why I feel happier in exams with Smarties, but it beats chewing the end of my pen. Anyway, if you can over look the Nestlé thing then this ice cream is worth trying – of course you’d need to like walnuts as it has lots of it.

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Curious: Scary napkins

There is something fun about reduced price napkins. That might sound a slightly crazy sentence, however the logic behind it is I do like being able to give guests something funky and/or scary to wipe their hands on – which is essential for film and pizza nights!

However I don’t want to spend lots of money on this as that would be silly, and the Scottish blood won’t let me!

monster napkins

(I think these were from Waitrose, they were rather weird)

Usually I got for Halloween napkins as they start off very expensive (£2.50 plus for 20 napkins) and come down predictably. Also monster patterns go down rather well with the horror movie crowd.

However I found some wonderfully awful ones in John Lewis at the weekend – they were called “BBQ napkins” and were decorated with cringe inducing phrases like “bonkers about burgers” and “licensed to eat meat”.

john lewis bbq napkins

My best guess is that these were intended to appeal to men, specifically non-vegetarian men of pretty much any age over 12 years of age. However as they were heavily reduced I guess they were too cheesy for anyone to actually buy – which is why I got three packs in the sale! I can’t wait to hand them out!

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Nails: Owl nails – Evil omens?

Depending on which mythology you look at owls are either wise or evil. Either way this sort of sums up work at the moment… well apart from the wise bit, but perhaps owl nails might be add some wisdom into the workplace.

It has to be both a go at the very least! However these little owls look too cute to be evil, unless it is their evil plan – to look cute and then eat your soul whilst you are sleeping.

owl nail art

(Photo from elenaeris.blogspot.co.uk)

I wonder if the owls would eat my co-worker’s souls…

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Film: ‘Universal Soldier Regeneration’ – “We’ve been over this all before”

“Regeneration” is a word that seems to be used a lot to sell face cream that I am, thankfully, too young to be the target audience of. The adverts for these creams promise they will work wonders and throw around the names of various chemicals – some of which are probably made up.

universal soldier regeneration

I think various chemicals were used during the creation of ‘Universal Soldier Regeneration’ as the film coms across as hiring Van Damme and a couple of Mixed Martial Arts guys then filming in Eastern Europe on the cheap.

The plot doesn’t matter, which is the norm for Van Damme films, but the action scenes were over long and not very interesting. Watching my cat sleep was far more entertaining even when he wasn’t trying to catch mice and accidentally grabbing my toes.

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Book: Rosalind Wiseman’s ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes’ – “the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that’s not good.”

A few years ago I picked up ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes’ for about 50 pence from WH Smiths, it went to the charity shop sometime ago but the main message I took away from it was being a teenage girl is messed up – which is pretty much what I’d established on my own!

I also sort of remembered the bits about how females are both the victim and the cause of other people victimisation. I’m currently trying to make an effort to be nice to everyone as I said some rather mean thing about someone who is REALLY annoying and REALLY incompetent at her job. However just because what I said was true, accurate and funny in a bitchy sort of way that doesn’t make it ok.

queen bees and wannabes

It was in this frame of mind that I watch ‘Mean Girls’ for the first time, it was ok, but the insults in the burn book were rather tame. It wasn’t as if they compared someone to a dog humping your leg in that “there is a lot of movement and no output that you want.”

There were a couple of funny bits and it was wonderfully cringe-inducing to see the inevitably negative impact of the “cool mom”, but I didn’t end up understanding why this film has a cult following – it certainly isn’t a patch on ‘Heathers’.

It did encourage me to try to be nicer – even to those people who are too dumb to function.

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A hairdresser wearing a hat doesn’t inspire confidence

I wish my hair would behave slightly more well behaved, even as a child everyone commented that my hair was really thick and this was seen as being an enviable quality.

It might be enviable if each strand wasn’t very fine, as it is my hair has a habit of eating brushes and I have to be very fussy about the shampoo and conditioner that I use if I wasn’t want an unmanageable mess of tangles.

This means that I’ve preferred long bob length since I was 15, however I did start to wonder how it would look longer – and it that would let me avoid going to the hairdressers for longer. I am not good at random small talk and being in situations where it is required can stress me out a little.

fedora

It doesn’t help that my last hairdressers looked like a tattoo convention and had a massively high staff turnover – every time I started to get comfortable with someone they left.

There aren’t that many hairdressers in the nearest town by the time you exclude the specialists in African hair, the overpriced designer hair care places and the places that also offer to style & colour hair on another part of the body!

The one that I ended up trying had less obviously tattooed staff and was playing radio-friendly pop music rather than sounding like a rave – so was already an improvement on the last place. However it was a little odd to have a stylist who kept her fedora on the entire time – which made me wonder if she was hiding a style disaster under there.

Dodgy hats aside I was pretty happy with what she did, bearing in mind that all I wanted was a trim there really wasn’t much scope to go wrong! Although it does seem that they are into really sleek and feathered finishes which aren’t really very me, I’ve going to go again in a couple of months, but I might ask if she can remove the hat this time.

 

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