Film: Assassins – “the moral of the story is this: everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy, and everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend, and if you’re warm and happy no matter where you are you should just keep your big mouth shut”

‘Assassins’ was released in the mid 1990 when Sylvester Stallone was in his difficult period and involved in some rather iffy films – for example ‘Daylight’ and ‘Stop! Or my Mom will shoot’. ‘Demolition Man’ was also in this time frame but is in a different league altogether.

I think I may have watched it before but not in the last 7 years, making it an obvious target to watch prior to moving house.

Things do not go well, I’m not even 15 minutes in and we’ve experienced one finger typing, crude instant messenger, $200,000 being decent money for a contract kill and an ancient printer… oh dear this film hasn’t aged well. Antonia Banderas doesn’t look right as a human, he makes a better Puss In Boots.

assassins

Stallone has stole a taxi and is cruising around hoping to get Banderas as a fare… the odds of that working are pretty minimal and then the dvd player crashed.

I will never know if Stallone gets lucky or if this film stops being so horribly dated, instead I take the hint and put the film in the charity shop pile.

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Book: Lee Carroll’s ‘Black Swan Rising’ – “Time rushes by, love rushes by, life rushes by, but the Red Shoes go on”

This book does not come from a single mind, Lee Carroll is a pseudonym for Carol Goodman and her husband Lee Slonimsky.

Slonimsky is a poet and a hedge fund manager, a combination that potentially sounds like a hallmark of a total w***er – it seems that the world’s economic issues and the role of bankers & speculative funds in this have left its mark on my view of the world.

‘Black Swan Rising’ is the first in a trilogy, I read it when it came out and remembered it being very descriptive and painting beautiful visuals, so I had high hopes when I went to reread it.

black swan rising

My memory wasn’t entirely accurate, the book is descriptively pretty but far bleaker than I remembered. The economic downturn is the driver and mood setter for the books events, fundamentally no one is happy and there is a scene which could be a trigger for some people.

Plotwise, Garet James lives in New York and designs jewellery for a living – her father owns an art gallery and neither of them seem to have recovered from the death of her mother several years previously.

Garet and her father are enjoying the Western World’s economic downturn as much as every other ordinary person, so she jumps at the chance to open a vintage silver box in return for a large sum of money despite the shopkeeper offering the money seeming a bit odd. It helps that the box bears the same swan symbol as is on her mother’s ring.

Naturally opening the box means that bad and weird things happen – goodness knows how Garet has missed hearing about Pandora’s box or having even a passing awareness of the plot of ‘Hellraiser’.

beach lsd mannequin wendy's

(Nothing to do with the book, I just needed a laugh after reading it)

The supernatural elements of the book – excluding Will the vampire, were interesting and done rather well, but Garet was very dull and two-dimensional.

Failing to care about the main character does make me wondering why I am reading the book and the descriptions weren’t pretty enough to make up for this void.

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Curious: Mint and Dark Chocolate lip balm – Accidental flavours

I shouldn’t assume that just because I’ve bought a certain product before that it hasn’t changed – or has alternate flavours that I was unaware of.

Case in point being Palmer’s lip balm, I’ve used it for a couple of years now and have been happy with it. So when I unexpectedly ran out recently I went into the nearest stockist and grab a pack without actually looking at it.

Which is how I ended up with a dark chocolate and mint lip balm despite my detesting mint chocolate.

lip balm

It’s been a couple of weeks now and I am still not used to the taste – and it really does taste! However it isn’t a gross taste and it’s almost as good at moisturising as the non-flavoured version.

I’m still not going to eat mint chocolate though.

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Curious: A not so subtle Christmas hint

We have not given any particular thought to my Husband’s sister’s children and Christmas presents. Partly as it is nearly October and secondly because I have no interest in Nel* or anything to do with her – Husband has many virtues but not necessarily the organising and buying of presents.

Bearing in mind that we give and get nothing in return – not even a thank you card.

We also have next to no contact with them apart from Nel forcefully and artificially inserting herself into anytime that we visit Husbands’s parents; to the degree that it feels like she is terrified of Husband having anytime with them and thus breaking her monopoly on them.

manure

(Photo from The Guardian)

Anyway, a random email from Husband’s mother arrived a day or so ago, Nel has no ideas what the children would like or need so wants “money in an envelope”.

In December the children will be 10 months old and four & a half years. My views on her suggestion can be best summed up by my going onto the Oxfam website and being delighted that I can buy manure for some impoverished farmer and get a card saying this has been done.

However I am aware that this could potentially not be met with a warm reception so am leaving the decision up to Husband – who I am rather hoping fails to organise something as that might be funnier than manure… Although less of a statement!

*This may not be her real name but it far politer than what I normally call her.

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Nails: Bling Bats – “Clip their wings? Man, could you just shoot their d*mn heads off? And don’t miss.”

It’s been ages since I looked at something and thought “WTF is that, I want it!” but here we are, ladies & gents these are something that I am going to call Bling Bats, may God forgive us all:

bling bat nails

(Photo from Pinterest)

The bling is hypnotic, which is how the bats feed on their prey unnoticed.

It is unknown if Bling Bats carry rabies as no one has survived long enough to worry about that minor detail.

Bling Bats have a migratory pattern that threatens to engulf the world, they are a far more imminent danger to humanity than the combined power of global warming, Ebola and tropical storms with stupid names.

I can only presume that someone didn’t really want to do Halloween nails but was forced into it.

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Film: Jeepers Creepers – “You know the part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid, and everybody hates them for it?”

I have a love hate relationship with horror films, when I was younger I would watch almost anything with the exception of video nasties – simply because I don’t see the point of excessive gore.

Now that I rewatch some of the horror films that we’ve bought/been given over the years we don’t have much which is just gore but we do have some junk, for example ‘Jeepers Creepers’.

It isn’t mine as I rented it when it first came out on DVD and hated it, but before I could convince the husband to get rid of it we needed to watch it, which was painful! The characters are so stupid that it is impossible to care about them and even shouting abuse at them got dull way before the end.

haemonculus

There are two things of note about the film a) that the monster reminds me far too much of an old Games Workshop model of a Haemonculus (I would like to blame my Spouse for my knowing this) and b) that it features Patricia Belcher who is instantly recognisable from ‘Bones’.

II would rather watch ‘Bats‘ 5 times back-to-back than ‘Jeepers Creepers’ ever again!

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Book: Terry Pratchett’s ‘I Shall Wear Midnight’ – “Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things”

It transpired that ‘I Shall Wear Midnight’ is the fourth Tiffany Aching book – of which I’ve read only the last two, this and ‘Wintersmith‘ ‘Wintersmith’ was ok but I didn’t expect its sequel – also aimed at Young Adults, to very early on feature a 13 year old being beaten so savagely that she miscarried. This seemed a little too much for my tastes and I was slightly surprise by it. i shall wear midnight Adding to the “oh” factor is the detail that Roland has moved on from Tiff and is now going to marry someone else and the entire plot feeling recycled from an element of ‘Wyrd Sisters’. There is humour in the book and also random cameos that work to varying degrees – Granny Weathwax and Nanny Ogg are in it a little bit. Magrat Garlick is acknowledged as existing – but not a lot more! Personally the most interesting thing about the Tiffany books is that Agnes Nitt appears to have vanished from Pratchett’s universe. I wanted to like this book but I was bother by the miscarriage element more than I expected and the rest of the book wasn’t strong enough to wash it away. So this and ‘Wintersmith’ are not going to be moving house with us. Copyright © WhereEvilThoughts 2014 – excluding pictures! Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to WhereEvilThoughts with appropriate and specific direction to the original content