Film – ‘I Am Number Four’- The puppy-lizard ate the script

There is a seemingly increasing trend for movies with teen protagonists – well the character is meant to be a teen, the actors are normally much old!

These films seem to spend most of the first half setting the scene and have a manic second half with as much action crammed in as possible. Most of these are films are adapted from teen books which I will probably never read, so I am having to trust that the films give me enough backstory to make sense of the potentially wider universe – but very often I end up with the impression that the script writer didn’t read the books either.

I am number four film post

(Film poster for ‘I Am Number Four’)

‘I Am Number Four’ is one of those films, there have been four books released out of a planned series of seven so I’d presume that there is a fairly large and structured plot.

However the film of ‘I Am Number Four’ was a bit of a mess, the premise is a bit like Superman: a doomed world sends alien kids to Earth. The mean aliens who destroyed the planet now come to Earth to track and kill the kids.

The film doesn’t embellish this simple plot terribly much at all, there is a bit of outcast at high school melodrama including a girl and a bully, a cute puppy-lizard turns out to be more than he seems – incidentally the puppy-lizard is also the best actor in the film and the only character worth caring about.

i am number four - Bernie Kosar - puppy lizard

(Photo from iamnumberfour.wikia.com)

Number Four is a dull character made worse by bad acting, he is too stupid to have lived that long even with the help of Timothy Olyphant’s bodyguard character who pretends to be his dad so that humans don’t get suspicious (or something!)

Even to a casual observer Timothy Olyphant wouldn’t pass as his father – perhaps older brother at a push, however he is the least annoying human character in a film that is frankly overlong teen twaddle with no real point.

The only last impression I will have of this film – apart from the puppy-lizard, is that a Haunted Hayride is one of the most hick things that I have ever seen.

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Food: Godiva raspberry filled chocolate – with added Japanese confusion

My sibling kindly brought me a Godiva chocolate bar back from Japan – it was raspberry flavour. The packaging was in English with a Japan language sticker over the ingredients, which was a little weird.

Having not tried Godvia chocolate before I wasn’t too sure what to expect but I was excited about it being dark chocolate as I’m trying to be good and only eat stuff with high cocoa content as that way I can pretend it has some health benefits!

Godiva Raspberry Chocolate

(Photo from ohnuts.com)

I then got a little confused as I couldn’t easily see how much cocoa the bar contained – this may have been due to the Japanese sticker placement.

However I am very sure that there was next to no raspberry in it despite the claim that it is “filled with raspberry”. There was a very mild flavour to suggest that there had been some sort of red fruit waved vaguely in the direction of the chocolate and that was it!

The chocolate itself was pretty nice although it didn’t seem to have a high a cocoa content as I’d prefer, but I’d have felt cheated if I’d had my heart set on raspberry!

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Nails: Dotty – Don’t touch me I’m toxic

A worrying number of my co-workers have decided to mark 2014 by sharing infectious diseases with the entire office.

As a protective measure I have decided that dotty nail art would let me pretend that I have measles and encourage my plague-bearing colleagues to take their germs elsewhere.

I love the dainty look of these nails, the cute colour contrast and the fact they are so darn pretty. But these simply won’t deter my co-workers enough, in fact they are such a gorgeous mani that they might attract ill co-workers who are looking for a morale boost. These are a 2 out of 10 for terrifying co-workers.

pale blue dotty nails

(Photo from blog.flauntme.com)

Grey base colour is not normally something I like, but the different colour dots off-set the grey whilst keeping the overall look understated and classy. This does mean that they won’t scare my co-workers so 4 out of 10, although possibly 6 out of 10 if I did a red and yellow combination version.

grey backed dotty nails

(Photo from wrappedupinrainbows.blogspot.co.uk)

These have potential, they look slightly like they belong to a well manicured zombie. They imply a classy type of infection. These are a 7 out of 10 for encourage ill co-workers to go elsewhere.

black and white dotty nails

(Photo from nailtreasures.tumblr)

I love these, they look like I’ve been exposed to radioactive material and might blow up at any minute. These are a 8 out of 10 of the freaked out co-worker scale!

dotty nail art

(Photo from nailzilla.com)

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Film: ‘Young Demons’ – Slow motion horror

This is another by David DeCoteau film I’m afraid. In my defence I didn’t realised, until after I’d purchased it, that the film ‘Young Demons’ was actually ‘The Brotherhood 3: Young Demons’.

David’s film are generally bad enough that I wouldn’t knowingly watch one of their sequels. ‘Young Demons’ is a lovely illustration of why this is the case, if you removed the slow motion shots, the semi-flash backs and the random shower scene then you would probably have maybe 45 minutes of footage.

young demons film cover

Of this 45 minutes  around seven minutes actually contain plot. The plot is some teens role-play in school after dark, in one game they invite a jock and use a budget Book of Pure Evil.

It was a very bad film, however it was more watchable than the live action Thunderbirds film.

Copyright © WhereEvilThoughts 2014 – excluding pictures! Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to WhereEvilThoughts with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Book: David Wellington’s ’13 Bullets’ – “when you run over a hippy with this thing, extra chunky is about all that’s left.”

I prefer urban fantasy style stuff to horror but I am willing to try most things.

Which is why I tried ’13 Bullets: A Vampire Tale’ (sometimes called ‘Thirteen Bullets’) despite knowing it was going to be a bit icky. By a bit icky I mean during daylight hours vampires turn into slush – their flesh melts, maggots wriggle in their remains and they only become whole again at night. This is described in loving detail and probably would have turned my stomach if I hadn’t just been utterly gross out by the first episode of ‘Criminal Minds’ season nine so the point where nothing else was going to phase me for the evening.

13 bullets

(Book cover art)

The plot reminds me of something that would come out of vintage Stephen King, the action takes place in modern day Pennsylvania  where people know that vampires exist but think they are extinct (or at least really rare). Special Deputy Arkeley killed the last one in the 1980s… except he didn’t, she was locked in a sanatorium and is protected by Federal Law (as long as she doesn’t hurt people).

Then State Trooper Laura Caxton encounters vampires running wild and ends up assisting Arkeley in hunting down the monsters. Laura is also a lesbian and the book mentions this a fair bit – with little to no tact. I can’t recall the last horror/urban fantasy/whatever book with the lesbian character, as oppose to a bisexual female, so that was neat and different.

It was also nice having good old fashion evil vampires and these vampires are ugly on the outside in addition to the inside!

Wellington has made some interesting enhancements to vampire mythology, to make someone a vampire the person has to accept the invitation to be undead and then commit suicide. The invitation doesn’t have to be verbal, it can be as simple as meeting a vampire’s eye and them ‘speaking’ in your head.

Nonso Anozie as renfield

(Nonso Anozie as Renfield in the current TV version of ‘Dracula’)

Renfields are also present in the book – because no evil vampire worth their salt would do their own dirty work.

There was some gore and a reasonably high body count for rural Pennsylvania. The gore got a little dull as there are only so many ways to describe a face or arm being ripped off. The last third of the book also seemed somewhat slow, I understand that the protagonist needs to be put in peril in order to develop but the book was more interesting when everyone was running around and the master-plan wasn’t being out at the forefront of the book.

It was an ok ending overall and the last scene was very good. However I am not in a rush to pick up the four other books in the series as I suspect Laura will end up being a lesbian version of Sarah Connor in ‘Terminator 2’, her mission will be to escape the vampire fate and possibly save the world.

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Film: ‘Thunderbirds’ (2004) – Fortunately I have no fond childhood memories…

I don’t even want to write about the 2004 live action film version of ‘Thunderbirds’, it is just dire and has no deeming features – apart from technically it doesn’t go on forever and cause the destruction of civilisation.

Despite not having any over fond memories of the original Thunderbirds (or any memories at all really) I don’t want to acknowledge that this dreadful film exists.

orgy band picture

(Photo from rpj)

The hair reminded me of the styles usually worn by the band Orgy, Tin-Tin’s top couldn’t contain her nipples (and that was before she went swimming in the Thames) and Ford got an obscene amount of product placement.

The only thing of note about this film – apart from it sucking, is that Lady Penelope was played by Sophia Myles.

Sophia Myles Underworld

Sophia is notable for playing a skanky vamp in ‘Underworld’ and for dating a skanky vampire in ‘Moonlight’

My husband has noticed that almost everything has a link to ‘Game of Thrones’ which Sophia also provides as she dated Charles Dance for a time. It is like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon but far quicker – Thunderbirds is ***t, has Sophia in and she dated Charles = Game of Thrones. Did I already say Thunderbirds was ***t?

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New Year, new stress – including broken suitcases and yellow food

The immediate start to the New Year isn’t meant to be stressful, it isn’t meant to involve a suitcase weighing 25kg with broken wheels and a broken handle, it isn’t meant to involve my sibling sitting on the floor of a charity shop looking at music magazines from the 1980s for 30 minutes, it shouldn’t involve eating at a restaurant that sells chicken that was packed with a certain type of person – largely groups of four people where the males looked like sex-offenders, it shouldn’t involve my sibling unsubtly putting a couple of their menus in their bag so they can take them back to Japan whilst I desperately pretend not to notice.

I presume that this last incident was due to my sibling wanting examples of English in every-day environments, although I am not sure that peri-peri sauce has a Japanese translation.

yellow plate

(Photo from scholarlifestyle.blogspot)

I’d not been to a (lalala not going to actually name the restaurant) before but had heard the hype. Based on this experience I am not sure that I understand the hype, chicken is pretty hard to get wrong and they managed not to. They did manage to get corn on the cob wrong but it didn’t look like vegetables were a popular option in their core clientele.
What was really interesting is that everything on the plates was yellow – the chicken in sauce was yellow, the rice was yellow, chips were yellow, corn was black with yellow bits, the garlic bread was yellow-brown…

There is the rule of thumb that the more colourful your food the better it is for you – which falls apart the minute you bring e-numbers and colours into the equation, so on those grounds I resisted looking up the nutritional black hole that was our dinner and will not be revisiting the establishment.

broken suitcase

(Photo from worleygig)

I daren’t mention my sibling and the debacle with the suits or buying a new laptop – which is badly needed but was met with total disinterest except when I asked them what colour they wanted.

The suitcase was so trashed I immediately knew that a new one was needed – absolutely no question, there was wire sticking out of the bottom, the outside lining was falling off, the pull handle had literally come off in their hand, the wheels no longer turned. But my sibling was in denial and ignored all of this. So I am going to buy one anyway – otherwise they will never make it back to Japan with all their stuff!

As guilty as I should feel for saying it, I am rather looking forward to my sibling going back to Japan in just under a week, but first I need to buy them a new suitcase.

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