Film: Battleship – “It’s too late to eat a burrito. Too much complex carbs”

I’d heard many many people say that ‘Battleship’ was awful, that it was one of the worst films ever. So when it was on Film Four I had to tape it, but it took a little bit of time to be in a receptive mood for something reputed to be dire.

The first forty-five minutes weren’t actually that bad, it introduced characters who were likeable enough, established their links to each other and their motivations, then started the action.

Taylor Kitsch did his normal slightly rebellious outsider thing – whilst looking like he was wearing too much eyeliner as he does in everything else. Because he looks like this is every film he has ever done I am starting to wonder if he is actually wearing eyeliner or if he has naturally very distinctive lashes. Either way he certainly wasn’t believably related to Alexander Skargård (Eric from ‘TrueBlood’), not even by one parent.

battleship poster

Rihanna wasn’t that much worse than any other disposable female character in a mainstream Hollywood action film, most of those roles are so under-defined and poorly written that having an acting ability is a waste anyway.

The premise is pretty weak, but we are talking about a film that is based on a board game, a couple of military ships end up trapped in a bubble with a couple of alien ships who outgun them.

It was really interesting seeing a mainstream film show the downside of wars in the form of those who had sustained injuries that had resulted in amputation, the short scene in the military hospital / rehabilitation clinic warmed to me the film in a big way.

battleship

(U.S. Army Col. Gregory Gadson is THE reason to watch ‘Battleship’)

Unfortunately this is a side plot to Taylor’s fluttering eyelashes and things went downhill rapidly on the main plotline; the aliens looked silly and the explanation for their not instantly blowing up all the human ships was scarcely plausible.

Personally I was hoping that Eric would be unleashed and the film would deteriorate into a vampiric bloodbath – needless to say I was horribly disappointed.

The end of the film is silly, but it really wasn’t much sillier than the rest of it and it was just like watching an extended version of the trailer – in fact just watch the trailer.

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How to get an indoor pool with surprisingly little effort… and zero intent

I’m still trying to get the new house how the Husband and I want it – including the joy of finding an electricity and gas supplier who charges a sane price!

Up until now one of the larger hurdles has been trying to find a local takeaway that had more than a one food hygiene rating from the Food Standards Agency – this has been surprisingly hard!

Then the washing machine decided that we needed an indoor pool so that needed replacing in a hurry! We found a nice new one in Costco and thought “fab! We can get it now and have no delivery costs or delays” and then realised that it weighed 77kg!

broken washing machine

(Photo from Which)

Amazingly it did fit in the car and thank goodness for the lovely employee in the carpark for giving us a hand – or a shove!

Needless to say we needed a friend to assist us getting it back out of the car! But it made it and so far so good! It even plays a happy little tune when it has finished washing!

I’m sure other stuff must have happened but the house stuff seems to take precedent! We’ve got to re insulate the loft next as there is next to nothing up there!

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Nails: Ninja – Kicking butt and taking names

Ninja nails sounded a good way to celebrate a couple of successes recently. For example the fight to get John Lewis to actually deliver in the originally promised timeslot – something that really shouldn’t have been hard!

So I eagerly went to the internet and got confused.

Are these nails meant to be ninjas? I am not entirely sure

ninja nails

(Photo from Pinterest)

They look far more like people wearing a niqab – which the BBC kindly confirms for me via its handy guide to headgear favoured for Islamic women.

Of course they could be ninjas wearing niqabs, that would be very cool!

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Film: Sabotage – “The only thing anyone in law enforcement has is their credibility. It’s like virginity. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever”

I delayed watching ‘Sabotage’ until I’d mostly forgotten the disappointment that was ‘Escape Plan’, but it transpired not to matter as ‘Sabotage’ was definitely its own film.

The synopsis was “Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house.” The trailers made it look high action and it had Arnold Schwarzengger in – I was expecting an action film with lots of guns.

The start had lots of guns, a very unnecessarily messy toilet and a massive plot hole that haunts the entire premise of the film. It then has a lull whilst the ramifications of the opening scenes played out – without giving too much away it was entertaining seeing Arnie displaying the same barely contained hostility and distain for middle management that most office staff are, at least fleetingly, familiar with.

sabotage arnie

(Photo from IMDB)

Then the film then wanders into a slightly dull mystery story with the occasional act of violence. It doesn’t manage to be a thriller and at least part of that is due to the characters – none of the characters in ‘Sabotage’ were likeable to the extent that their gory and untimely demises didn’t invoke an audience reaction.

The dialogue is a combination of clichés and forgettable mumblings, which allows Joe Manganiello – aka Alcide Herveaux from ‘True Blood’, to scene steal simply due to his height and his impressive muscle mass.

Even the sound track isn’t quite right, it was too electronic in climatic scenes when something a little more metal would have felt more natural.

Overall it is one of those films where you begrudge the time spent watching it and you do wonder what redeeming features the cast saw in it when they signed their lives away.

sabotage poster (Photo from IMDB)

Spoiler – I really didn’t understand Arnie’s character’s methodology; from the motivation point yes your family were tortured and killed, with the drug dealers sending you videos of proceedings and body parts. So you want revenge and steal the money to grease the wheels to get it. But why hang around after the money has gone? Why not leave your team out to dry – it’s not like you are sharing the money with them and by hanging around the bloodbath that follows is all your fault.

Also wearing a white hat at the end of the film doesn’t make you the good guy, everyone in this film is grey at best – very much including the female homicide detective.

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Book; Justin Cronin’s ‘The Passage’ – “The thing was, most of these mistakes were actually borrowed from other people. You took their bad ideas, and for whatever reason, made them your own.”

It is Monday, today should be a book post but I’m struggling to finish the two things I’ve been reading – one is a useful non-fiction book that I hope to finish and apply the teachings to my knee. The other is ‘The Passage’ by Justin Cronin.

‘The Passage’ is a rather large book and came highly recommended, so my expectations were high. The plot sounded good, government experiment involving a virus, convicts and (weirdly) a little girl goes wrong and unleashes a vampiric plague onto the world.

The first section was engaging if a little wordy and then I got to the bit where they jump into the future and I got bogged down to the point where I didn’t care anymore and didn’t want to continue as there was SO MUCH book left to go.

the passage

This is bugging me as I can’t remember the last time I didn’t finish a book – even if it sucked, and because I’ve spent so much time on the book I sort of want to get to the end.

Except I’ve read the ending already and it seems to be lining up for the sequel but not much else!

I have no intention of going back to the book but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it, so it is sitting in the book of the car waiting to go to the charity shop but never quite making it. It is all very annoying!

So with that in mind I’d like to share a picture that made me laugh

art - twat

(For sale at The Other Art Fair)

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Taking an online course on Climate Change on a whim – Requires me to actually read

I decided to try a couple of free Open University courses to challenge my brain, I do worry that I feed it too much junk and that it is deteriorating.

There was a course on personal finance that I’m currently on week two of and it is meant to take about 3 hours work each week… I just did week two in about 10 minutes whilst watching ‘Men In Black 3’ and got 100% on the assessment – it is pretty basic course apparently.

However the same tactic didn’t work so well on week one of the Climate Change course, I found it rather dry and didn’t read very much, then I only managed to guess 60% correctly on the assessment.

I did lean a new word though, Albedo.

ice - arctic - guardian

(Image recycled from an earlier article, it’s from the Guardian originally… must find actual source link right after I reread the Climate Change course…)

Also known as “reflection coefficient” it is a measure of how reflective a surface is – and something to do with radiation. Ok I didn’t really pay enough attention to the definition but I know that the scale is 0 (black) to 1 (white).

Maybe I need to do some more reading before I try week 2

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Pop Culture: Elder Scrolls – Did they even have keys?

My knowledge about the Elder Scrolls is pretty poor, I know that it is a series of computer games and that ‘Skyrim’ was one of them.

I know a bit about ‘Skyrim’ as the Husband was mildly addicted to it for some time… as were most of males of a similar age who I know.

Now that he has his very own car he has his own set of keys, and now that we’ve lost the MASSIVE garage door opener that was needed for our last home he was looking for a bulky keyring so that he’d stop misplacing the keys.

Luckily random cash-in pop culture merchandise saved the day and HMV sold him an Elder Scrolls keyring of a dragon Ouroboros.

elder scrolls keyring

I am just grateful that it wasn’t a keyring depicting an arrow to the knee.

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