Film: Night Of The Living Dorks – They didn’t dub the music, German punk sounds odd

‘Die Nacht der lebenden Loser ‘ was filmed in German in 2004, in 2007 it was dubbed and released to an English speaking audience as ‘Night of the Living Dorks’.

Philip, Wurst and Konrad are high-school losers who smoke dope, are bullied and lust after unavailable girls.

Then they get turned into zombies and hijinks ensue.

It is pretty much like watching a lower budget version of ‘Idle Hands’ with a soundtrack made up of German punk music.

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Book: Dawn Nicole Stevens’ ‘Forgotten (The Mystikó-lykos Series Book 1)’ – “Things between them would be different now that she remembered who she was”

So far free Kindle books are broadening my horizons – in so far as I now really understand that something which is free can still feel overpriced.

Case in point being Dawn Nicole Stevens’ ‘Forgotten’. It is basically werewolves with added twaddle.

A woman, let’s call her Jane Doe, wakes up in a US hospital with no memory, is convinced to follow a strange man to Germany – GERMANY. Good grief, even with no memory how on earth does that seem a good idea?

Then Jane decides to dwell on how fab it would be to have a mate – full on life partner territory, she has no memory and knows that she doesn’t have an existing mate … because she hasn’t been bitten… oh my goodness.

Perhaps this drivel is readable if you like nonsensical lazy gender stereotypes, for example:

“She had a pretty face, but she wasn’t really curved like a woman.”

Perhaps it is tolerable if you like your female lead to be weak, spineless and stupid:

“She wasn’t a woman worthy of a man like Dirk. She had so many dark secrets hidden away in her consciousness. She wasn’t the sweet, naïve women he’d rescued from the hospital.”

Urk, I don’t understand the appeal of this sort of story – even if I try. The entire story is written as though the author’s first language isn’t English – things are often phrased in a clunky manner and the incorrect word used (Manor instead of Manner).

Delete is a wonderful function!

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Food: Delicato Chokladboll Chocolate Mocha Top – Say that fast twice

I have a weakness for buying random food if it sounds really weird and is on offer. I blame my parents – there are a lot of reasons for this but let’s use the example of them buying a random deli salad in a French supermarket without worrying about the contents only to find out that it contained squid but making us eat it anyway.

As such random Swedish candy didn’t sound that odd – well until you realised the top four ingredients are: sugar, rolled oats, vegetable fat and water.

Delicato Chokladboll Chocolate Mocha Top

Unsurprisingly the freaky balls of coconut tasted of sugar and erm… more sugar!

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Film: ‘Ender’s Game’ – “I find it hard to respect someone just because they outrank me”

After some thought I am unable to work out who this film was aimed at.

It is science fiction with not much science, not much action and lots of bad acting. The only good thing about the film is  the title is at least punctuated corrected. Everything else about it just needs a punch.

I am cheerfully going to boycott anything with Asa Butterfield in for as long as he lives.

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Nails: Daisy Chain

It is spring, which is almost summer – almost sunshine and less rain.

However almost isn’t the same as actual, so it is currently raining a lot – which is actually a good thing as I’ve planted some snake’s head fritillary and they require a fair bit of water.

It also turns out that the nice green lawn is mostly moss… not even dandelions or daisies

daisy nails

(Picture from Pinterest)

Pity, daisies are nice.

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Film: ‘Second In Command’ – “Easier to blame me. Yeah, something like that”

I  didn’t have high hopes for a 2006 direct-to-DVD Jean-Claude Van Damme film, but I did expect it to be at least a bit interesting.

Jean Claude plays an official who arrives in the Eastern European state of Modavia (actually filmed in Romania) and encounters lots of insurgents.

second in command

The president of Modavia hides in the US embassy and the insurgent’s lay siege to the place – this is a lot less interesting that it sounds and prevents much hand-to-hand combat or anything resembling martial arts.

So Van Damme mostly wanders around looking tired and a little bit bored.

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Book: H P Mallory’s ‘Fire burn and cauldron bubble’ – “When a business partner’s friend sticks her ass in your face, discussing the weather is the best line of recourse.”

‘Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble’ is book 1 in the Jolie Wilkins Series and is apparently a paranormal romance novel – although the cover art makes me think it is more likely to be chick lit with a couple of magic spells thrown in. But I’m still feeling under the weather so something easy to read might be a nice distraction for a couple of hours – oh yes and it was free.

I haven’t read much chick lit but the main character in this book seems ridiculously dumb and in need of more rescuing than most. Jolie is so dumb that she doesn’t know how long a fortnight is, that is insanely stupid and I’m not sure what the book telling the reader that was meant to inspire – distain, pity, homicidal wishes?

Her best friend Christia is a flat out slut and not really a good friend at all – by page 21 I am already expecting her to be behind a pretty horrendous betrayal before the book is done.

Fire Burn And Cauldron Bubble

By page 30 I want to stop reading, it doesn’t make any sense – a random warlock (with a British accent) walks into some shop in Nowhereville in America in the present day and convinces the tarot card reading owner to come with him to Chicago to find out who killed a person in the 1920s. She gets all hot and bothered by him, but goes anyway, takes her slutty friend and tries to ignore her attraction to the warlock.

There have been little attempt at characterisation or scene setting, everyone is annoying and shallow, the writing is basic and has no depth or descriptions.  I can’t see there being any payoff if I continue to read but I can’t work out where this drivel is going.

Slogged through to page 60, ok stupid Jolie has managed to go to a fancy dress party and sign her life away to being a glorified supernatural slave and will have to give up her old life – instead going to live in England with the warlock. What a weird concept for a plot, they would have been better off not involving vampires and supernatural unions as the author isn’t capable of writing romantic drivel between a stupid little girl and a warlock, much less anything deeper or more complicated.

I skipped from page 62 to about the last ten pages of the book and just about managed to slog through those. The writing gets worse, I’m not even going to comment on the awful writing dialogue in accents attempt, Jolie needs shooting and ending the book on (spoiler?) fairies joining the fight against the mean female witch who invited Jolie to the fancy dress party back on page 60 ish.

Book deleted with joy in my heart.

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