Film: Battleship – “It’s too late to eat a burrito. Too much complex carbs”

I’d heard many many people say that ‘Battleship’ was awful, that it was one of the worst films ever. So when it was on Film Four I had to tape it, but it took a little bit of time to be in a receptive mood for something reputed to be dire.

The first forty-five minutes weren’t actually that bad, it introduced characters who were likeable enough, established their links to each other and their motivations, then started the action.

Taylor Kitsch did his normal slightly rebellious outsider thing – whilst looking like he was wearing too much eyeliner as he does in everything else. Because he looks like this is every film he has ever done I am starting to wonder if he is actually wearing eyeliner or if he has naturally very distinctive lashes. Either way he certainly wasn’t believably related to Alexander Skargård (Eric from ‘TrueBlood’), not even by one parent.

battleship poster

Rihanna wasn’t that much worse than any other disposable female character in a mainstream Hollywood action film, most of those roles are so under-defined and poorly written that having an acting ability is a waste anyway.

The premise is pretty weak, but we are talking about a film that is based on a board game, a couple of military ships end up trapped in a bubble with a couple of alien ships who outgun them.

It was really interesting seeing a mainstream film show the downside of wars in the form of those who had sustained injuries that had resulted in amputation, the short scene in the military hospital / rehabilitation clinic warmed to me the film in a big way.


(U.S. Army Col. Gregory Gadson is THE reason to watch ‘Battleship’)

Unfortunately this is a side plot to Taylor’s fluttering eyelashes and things went downhill rapidly on the main plotline; the aliens looked silly and the explanation for their not instantly blowing up all the human ships was scarcely plausible.

Personally I was hoping that Eric would be unleashed and the film would deteriorate into a vampiric bloodbath – needless to say I was horribly disappointed.

The end of the film is silly, but it really wasn’t much sillier than the rest of it and it was just like watching an extended version of the trailer – in fact just watch the trailer.

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