Film: ‘Second In Command’ – “Easier to blame me. Yeah, something like that”

I  didn’t have high hopes for a 2006 direct-to-DVD Jean-Claude Van Damme film, but I did expect it to be at least a bit interesting.

Jean Claude plays an official who arrives in the Eastern European state of Modavia (actually filmed in Romania) and encounters lots of insurgents.

The president of Modavia hides in the US embassy and the insurgent’s lay siege to the place – this is a lot less interesting that it sounds and prevents much hand-to-hand combat or anything resembling martial arts.

So Van Damme mostly wanders around looking tired and a little bit bored.

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Film: Battleship – “It’s too late to eat a burrito. Too much complex carbs”

I’d heard many many people say that ‘Battleship’ was awful, that it was one of the worst films ever. So when it was on Film Four I had to tape it, but it took a little bit of time to be in a receptive mood for something reputed to be dire.

The first forty-five minutes weren’t actually that bad, it introduced characters who were likeable enough, established their links to each other and their motivations, then started the action.

Taylor Kitsch did his normal slightly rebellious outsider thing – whilst looking like he was wearing too much eyeliner as he does in everything else. Because he looks like this is every film he has ever done I am starting to wonder if he is actually wearing eyeliner or if he has naturally very distinctive lashes. Either way he certainly wasn’t believably related to Alexander Skargård (Eric from ‘TrueBlood’), not even by one parent.

Rihanna wasn’t that much worse than any other disposable female character in a mainstream Hollywood action film, most of those roles are so under-defined and poorly written that having an acting ability is a waste anyway.

The premise is pretty weak, but we are talking about a film that is based on a board game, a couple of military ships end up trapped in a bubble with a couple of alien ships who outgun them.

It was really interesting seeing a mainstream film show the downside of wars in the form of those who had sustained injuries that had resulted in amputation, the short scene in the military hospital / rehabilitation clinic warmed to me the film in a big way.

(U.S. Army Col. Gregory Gadson is THE reason to watch ‘Battleship’)

Unfortunately this is a side plot to Taylor’s fluttering eyelashes and things went downhill rapidly on the main plotline; the aliens looked silly and the explanation for their not instantly blowing up all the human ships was scarcely plausible.

Personally I was hoping that Eric would be unleashed and the film would deteriorate into a vampiric bloodbath – needless to say I was horribly disappointed.

The end of the film is silly, but it really wasn’t much sillier than the rest of it and it was just like watching an extended version of the trailer – in fact just watch the trailer.

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Film: Sabotage – “The only thing anyone in law enforcement has is their credibility. It’s like virginity. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever”

I delayed watching ‘Sabotage’ until I’d mostly forgotten the disappointment that was ‘Escape Plan’, but it transpired not to matter as ‘Sabotage’ was definitely its own film.

The synopsis was “Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house.” The trailers made it look high action and it had Arnold Schwarzengger in – I was expecting an action film with lots of guns.

The start had lots of guns, a very unnecessarily messy toilet and a massive plot hole that haunts the entire premise of the film. It then has a lull whilst the ramifications of the opening scenes played out – without giving too much away it was entertaining seeing Arnie displaying the same barely contained hostility and distain for middle management that most office staff are, at least fleetingly, familiar with.

(Photo from IMDB)

Then the film then wanders into a slightly dull mystery story with the occasional act of violence. It doesn’t manage to be a thriller and at least part of that is due to the characters – none of the characters in ‘Sabotage’ were likeable to the extent that their gory and untimely demises didn’t invoke an audience reaction.

The dialogue is a combination of clichés and forgettable mumblings, which allows Joe Manganiello – aka Alcide Herveaux from ‘True Blood’, to scene steal simply due to his height and his impressive muscle mass.

Even the sound track isn’t quite right, it was too electronic in climatic scenes when something a little more metal would have felt more natural.

Overall it is one of those films where you begrudge the time spent watching it and you do wonder what redeeming features the cast saw in it when they signed their lives away.

(Photo from IMDB)

Spoiler – I really didn’t understand Arnie’s character’s methodology; from the motivation point yes your family were tortured and killed, with the drug dealers sending you videos of proceedings and body parts. So you want revenge and steal the money to grease the wheels to get it. But why hang around after the money has gone? Why not leave your team out to dry – it’s not like you are sharing the money with them and by hanging around the bloodbath that follows is all your fault.

Also wearing a white hat at the end of the film doesn’t make you the good guy, everyone in this film is grey at best – very much including the female homicide detective.

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Film: Escape plan – “You let me go, and I’ll pretend this never happened. If you don’t, I’ll burn this f***ing place to the ground on my way out.”

There are a number of Arnie films that I like and because of these I generally trust that I will get some measure of enjoyment from any film that he starts in – I am aware that this is probably a false trust, however even ‘End of Days’ was amusing in a bad way!

Inexplicably I don’t feel the same trust with Stallone – he has been in good films including ‘Rambo’ and ‘Tango and Cash’ but I’ve seen ‘Stop! Or my mom will shoot’ and that appears to have left lasting scars.

I rather wanted to watch ‘Escape Plan’ but didn’t trust that it would be good so didn’t rush into it. I was doubly cautious after my sibling, a diehard Arnie fan, said it was dire – although my sibling can be very very VERY faddy and will love something unconditionally until they decide to hate it with the same passion.

So yay to the free trial of Amazon Prime giving me the chance to watch it without spending money, as the stuck in prison plotline wasn’t actually that interesting and Vinnie Jones isn’t that good a bad guy once you’ve seen him do it more than twice!

There is nothing wrong with the film really, but it is nothing new and I’d recommend ‘Face/Off’ as a better variation on the same theme.

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Film: Gamer – “This is unbelievable! Why am I not dead yet?”

It isn’t a good start when you have a vague feeling that you might have seen a film but aren’t actually sure… and this feeling lasts all the way to the end of the film. Even now I am unsure if I’ve seen ‘Gamer’ twice in my lifetime, however I am sure that I am never watching it again.

Basically some sicko entrepreneur sticks nanites into people and lets them hire themselves out to be controlled by other people – largely for sexual or humiliating purposes. This game is called ‘Society’ and looks like a deviant version of ‘The Sims’.

The sicko entrepreneur then manages to use the more lethal end of the prison population hooked up with nanites, arms them and calls that game ‘Slayers’

Parking the fact that there are very few governments in the world sick enough to permit either of these ‘games’ to exist on their shores the premise is beyond suspension of disbelief. After the first videos hit YouTube of how much depravity you can force on people in ‘Society’ there would be a massive shortage of nanite-infested people willing to be controlled. In the same way prisoners do have rights and that will generally exclude being shot-up on TV for other people’s entertainment.

Given the premise of the film and the target audience – despite the 18 rating it seems squarely aimed at 14 year old males, women aren’t represented very well in it at all.

The most interesting thing about ‘Gamer’ is that it was filmed in Albuquerque, the most notable thing is that the ‘Avengers 2’ trailer makes much better use of the “got no strings” song.

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